Thoughts...

One would think, with the medical drama unfolding in my mind... that my mind would not stop to pause on him... yet it does. In fact, I find him on my mind when I wake, throughout the day, all day... and of course before bed. 9+ years later and he's still my first, and last thoughts of the day... When does that stop?

When they were once your future, does your past always haunt you? Will he always follow my thoughts, my dreams.... my hopes for the future?

Little to Say

The campaign is in full swing, and thanks to 4 amazing donations, I am half way there :) I am adding some of my own to the fund (of course) which should bring it to more than half way. 

I meet with the Anaesthesiologist and Surgical staff April 10th via teleconference. At that point I will either be told I have to go up for a personal meeting, or be given my surgical date then and there. I will of course, keep the GoFundMe/Paypal and the blogosphere up-to-date.

Lots of Love.

The Discarded Vanity

Yesterday I posted about vanity... and when we put it away....

Today I am happy to post that I have tossed aside the vanity, and asked for help.

We'll see how it goes.

GoFundMe
Paypal: ami.clarity@gmail.com

"My story begins August 2012, I quit smoking, cold turkey, was trying to get my health in order. I was handling fibromyalgia unmedicated (I've never believed in pills to cope). Suddenly I was at the mall, on the floor crying in agony from the most horrible pain I had ever felt... the hospital says a string of Ovarian cysts had ruptured. Over the months,  more cysts ruptured, and I was diagnosed with severe PCOS, also known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hair began to fall out, I became Insulin Resistant with extremely low blood sugar, and my depression, which had been under control for years, hit me like a sack of bricks again. Work became impossible, and school kicked me out for poor attendance.

In February 2014, I had enough, I went to a specialist about the cysts, (I hadn't gone a week without a rupture), and he suggested Bariatric Surgery to combat the weight gain that comes with PCOS, as a solution to help all of the problems. I researched, and researched, I attended classes, meetings, and many doctors appointments to see if I was a candiate... I am. The surgery itself is covered by our Ontario Health Insurance Plan, however: travel, a two night hotel stay post-op, and the Opti-fast required three weeks before surgery, are NOT.

I am putting aside my pride and vanity, and asking for help. I want to get healthy, on my feet, and back to school and work."

Putting Away The Vanity...

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
― Jane Austen

At first this blog was going to be about my pride, but then I realized that vanity is truly my issue here.  As I posted yesterday, surgical stuff is piling up, and it is ALL one big financial problem... The suggestion? Setting up a GoFundMe account, and asking for help from the people I know... I said "Well I would, but how would I put down my pride to beg for that kind of help?"

Alas, it is not pride, it is vanity. I am not worried about MY thoughts of me, only the thoughts of everyone who would SEE the GoFundMe page... The thoughts of the people I see around town who would know what a tough financial situation I am in... I would be forever afraid of how they would see me after begging for help to get me to the surgery I need to become healthy, and get back to work, and school... Yes I am doing the surgery to get healthy, fix my many many health problems, but what if they don't see it that way? What if they see it as a beggar begging? I don't ever want people to see me that way.

So tell me, dear friends... Should I just go ahead, and put away my vanity to ask for your help, or should I struggle, and fall back upon my vanity and just try again next year?

~ Full of Vanity and Pride

Ali

Surgery Drama

Those of you who know me, know that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, PCOS, infertility and fibromyalgia... You also know that I was supposed to be going up to Toronto in a few months for surgery, to try to help with these issues.... Well, it's looking like that might not happen. What they fail to tell you in the beginning, is that you have to go up, not once, but twice (and if I had a car or knew someone reliable with a car, that would be easy). You ALSO are required to stay in town an extra two days post op, in a hotel. Wonderful information, at the BEGINNING of the year long journey.

However, I'm a mere two months from surgical day, and just getting this information now.... with no time to save up the money... no time to get rides, no time to beg for help... So it's looking like I may have to cancel the surgury I so desperately need to heal my body, and get on my feet working. 

I've tried to be positive, I have tried hard to fix my broken life... but... I clearly cannot.

At my wits end

-Ali

Never Decide for Someone That They Would be Better off Without You...

They might start to believe it, and leave you behind, floating like sand in the wind.

Not many who know me, know the REAL me.. Frankly, I didn't know the real me until a short while ago, when I realized I chased off the person I loved more than anyone else. Nine years off and on, but we always went back to each other, ALWAYS.... And when I got that news one day, that I was infertile, I made the choice for him... I decided he deserved a woman, who could give him a future one day. A family. For months I pushed him away, when all I wanted to do was hold him close... For months I forced myself to stay away from him, to give him a chance at happiness... For months I spiralled into the most severe depression I've ever felt.

Now... it's all over... he's gone off, to find a brighter future... without me. Now, I'm dying inside.

The past weeks have been hell, so I caved, and I contacted him. I missed his scent, his touch, his kisses in my hair. I missed his constant and steadfast love, that I know (now), I would have had forever if I hadn't been so presumptuous.

It is an odd thing when you are head over heels in love with someone, who was yours, was always yours, until YOU pushed them away, yourself.. and they offer to get you on a dating site to find someone else. Odd, and terribly painful. I have been crying all the time the past few days. Crying myself to sleep, waking up in a pool of tears, crying in the shower, on the bus, and yes even into my coffee...

How can I fix this? I've prayed to gods I don't believe in. I have begged, pleaded to turn back time... but I know I chose this path, I made him leave me.... made him find someone else. I have no one to blame but myself.

So, readers... please, don't you EVER decide that someone would be better off without you... because they can be, but you wont be.

The last gift I received from him... Nearly a year later, I still have it dried.