Life Changes

For ten years off and on I have been seeing someone... It was good, it was bad.... but now, a few days before my life changing surgery, it's done. I'll miss him, I know I will, even as I write this I'm in tears, but I can't be with someone I know is sleeping with someone else. I know how it feels to be betrayed, be cheated on.... and I can't do that... but what if.... no one ever wants to be with me? Being fat my whole life shielded me from most people,  guys walk by and yell "Ewww! FAT PIG!".... but when the weight is all gone after surgery... how will I know for sure who the losers are? After this... relationship fail, how can I even trust a man again? Why would I even want to?

Optifast Day 2

Yesterday was Day 1 of Optifast, and lemme just say its a mixed bag. One sip will be ok, not too bad.... The next sip tastes like a rusted metal bar in your mouth, melting on your tongue. So to combat the filthy flavours, I took to adding some decaf coffee (which also tastes like rusty metal bars)... It improved the flavour (a bit), but leaves this horrible metal flavour in your mouth.

They say if you have the gross flavour on your tongue, brush your teeth and tongue, BUT IT DOESN'T HELP!!!!! So, this is now Day 2 of 14 (yeah 14 days of nothing but this stuff).... and I'm not sure how I'll handle the metal tongue, but we shall see!!!

13 Days til surgery.

When Others wont let you escape your past.

Anyone who knows me, knows I've mood problems. I have anxiety, depression, major trust issues, and know I am not good enough.... So why... when I am working hard on changing everything about myself, both in personality and physical wise, people choose to take up my past and smash it in my face? Why must others drag people down, and show them that they can't ever better themselves?

Why do people make others feel guilty for trying to better themselves? Why am I a bad person for trying to change everything about my own existence to make other people happy? I was happy as I was, but that was never enough for anyone else, and never could be... So? So I change myself, I work my ass off to do it, and people still only remember the past. Why bother?

Updates

I finally have my surgery date!!!! 

June 1st at 6am, fifteen days before my 28th birthday. 

Now begins the chaos of getting ready, I've had to make list upon list of things I need just before surgery, things I will need to bring with me for surgery, and things I should have ready at home when I come back from surgery...

Crying again....

Why is it that the people we love the most, gain the ability to hurt us the most?

Why do we want things we can't have?

Why does happiness hurt so much?

What is it about living with depression and anxiety that makes a person bitter and cynical? Makes them want to crawl into a hole to die? Makes them feel unworthy of life, of love.... of existance? Why do we (the depressed) feel guilty for bothering normal people with our mood swings? Why do we have to handle it all alone? Why don't the pills help? Why does physical pain help? Yes, I said it. Cutting, or just general pain (stepping on a lego, banging your toes off a desk) physical pain helps... why? Because when your body hurts, your mind cannot focus on the internal agony of life. So why is that? I have worked for years and years on stopping the need to cut. I've done well, I have, but lately,the need has come back.... the cuts from two weeks ago are healing, but the mental agony is back, and I want to do it again.... Is physical pain an addiction? No... but the escape is welcome....

People say "get help" "You need help"... and the help says "Here take these pills and come back in a few weeks." but what they don't think of is that MAYBE, instead of pumping us full of pills, we really just need someone to listen.... to validate our feelings, to tell us that, "the way you feel, is valid.... I can't fix it, but I can be here.... and offer you a shoulder." We, the depressed, the chronically anxious, we don't need pills, pity, or people who abandon us in times of need. We need stability, shoulders, and a shit ton of tissues for our issues. 

So.... the question is... why is it so hard for non-depressed people... to be there emotionally for someone who is suffering from severe depression... without judging them?

Thoughts...

One would think, with the medical drama unfolding in my mind... that my mind would not stop to pause on him... yet it does. In fact, I find him on my mind when I wake, throughout the day, all day... and of course before bed. 9+ years later and he's still my first, and last thoughts of the day... When does that stop?

When they were once your future, does your past always haunt you? Will he always follow my thoughts, my dreams.... my hopes for the future?

Little to Say

The campaign is in full swing, and thanks to 4 amazing donations, I am half way there :) I am adding some of my own to the fund (of course) which should bring it to more than half way. 

I meet with the Anaesthesiologist and Surgical staff April 10th via teleconference. At that point I will either be told I have to go up for a personal meeting, or be given my surgical date then and there. I will of course, keep the GoFundMe/Paypal and the blogosphere up-to-date.

Lots of Love.

The Discarded Vanity

Yesterday I posted about vanity... and when we put it away....

Today I am happy to post that I have tossed aside the vanity, and asked for help.

We'll see how it goes.

GoFundMe
Paypal: ami.clarity@gmail.com

"My story begins August 2012, I quit smoking, cold turkey, was trying to get my health in order. I was handling fibromyalgia unmedicated (I've never believed in pills to cope). Suddenly I was at the mall, on the floor crying in agony from the most horrible pain I had ever felt... the hospital says a string of Ovarian cysts had ruptured. Over the months,  more cysts ruptured, and I was diagnosed with severe PCOS, also known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My hair began to fall out, I became Insulin Resistant with extremely low blood sugar, and my depression, which had been under control for years, hit me like a sack of bricks again. Work became impossible, and school kicked me out for poor attendance.

In February 2014, I had enough, I went to a specialist about the cysts, (I hadn't gone a week without a rupture), and he suggested Bariatric Surgery to combat the weight gain that comes with PCOS, as a solution to help all of the problems. I researched, and researched, I attended classes, meetings, and many doctors appointments to see if I was a candiate... I am. The surgery itself is covered by our Ontario Health Insurance Plan, however: travel, a two night hotel stay post-op, and the Opti-fast required three weeks before surgery, are NOT.

I am putting aside my pride and vanity, and asking for help. I want to get healthy, on my feet, and back to school and work."

Putting Away The Vanity...

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
― Jane Austen

At first this blog was going to be about my pride, but then I realized that vanity is truly my issue here.  As I posted yesterday, surgical stuff is piling up, and it is ALL one big financial problem... The suggestion? Setting up a GoFundMe account, and asking for help from the people I know... I said "Well I would, but how would I put down my pride to beg for that kind of help?"

Alas, it is not pride, it is vanity. I am not worried about MY thoughts of me, only the thoughts of everyone who would SEE the GoFundMe page... The thoughts of the people I see around town who would know what a tough financial situation I am in... I would be forever afraid of how they would see me after begging for help to get me to the surgery I need to become healthy, and get back to work, and school... Yes I am doing the surgery to get healthy, fix my many many health problems, but what if they don't see it that way? What if they see it as a beggar begging? I don't ever want people to see me that way.

So tell me, dear friends... Should I just go ahead, and put away my vanity to ask for your help, or should I struggle, and fall back upon my vanity and just try again next year?

~ Full of Vanity and Pride

Ali

Surgery Drama

Those of you who know me, know that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, PCOS, infertility and fibromyalgia... You also know that I was supposed to be going up to Toronto in a few months for surgery, to try to help with these issues.... Well, it's looking like that might not happen. What they fail to tell you in the beginning, is that you have to go up, not once, but twice (and if I had a car or knew someone reliable with a car, that would be easy). You ALSO are required to stay in town an extra two days post op, in a hotel. Wonderful information, at the BEGINNING of the year long journey.

However, I'm a mere two months from surgical day, and just getting this information now.... with no time to save up the money... no time to get rides, no time to beg for help... So it's looking like I may have to cancel the surgury I so desperately need to heal my body, and get on my feet working. 

I've tried to be positive, I have tried hard to fix my broken life... but... I clearly cannot.

At my wits end

-Ali